This is me…
Last night I stood in my doorway and watched the sun as it slid down the sky into the sea.
As the golden light struck my face, I noticed that my mood was changing. Something was washing over me. It almost felt like a sense of peace (for what was), an immense feeling of gratitude for being alive, in this body, in this place, at this time; and a sense of joy and curiosity about what was to come. And it felt strange and beautiful all at once. A lot like life, hey?
It took me a moment to get my bearings. And then I realised…what I was feeling might be what they called contentment. I was more surprised than anyone. I have such a difficult relationship with the idea of contentment, especially as a woman, but really because for most of my life, I thought it meant stillness, stagnation, a lack of curiosity or ambition. To me contentment always felt like a kind of a poison or maybe a trick, and for whatever reason I never felt permission to experience it.
But little by little, as if in secret from my self, I had become aware that I was entertaining the possibility that I was wrong about it. What if contentment wasn’t bad for me?? What if I was allowed to feel it? What would happen?? I didn’t like to dwell on it too much, in case I never found it, so I left “the possibility” to free-range around the back paddocks of my mind and went about my life.
And that leads us back to the Monday night of a long-weekend, standing barefoot on the balcony, with my fur companion roaming at my feet, hair full of chlorine from swimming, legs aching from dancing, skin browned from sunshine…
And as the light slid away and darkness crept in, the realisation dawned on me that perhaps contentment is not actually about the world we find ourselves in but rather the “me” that the world allows us to find.
At that moment I was filled with the most profound gratitude of all: for the life I have chosen, for the freedoms, challenges, and possibilities that I experience; for the remarkable souls that surround me. I am grateful that I survived coming into this world, and the countless traumas, tragedies, and transformations that have all led me to this moment. I am grateful for everyone who has served as a teacher. I am grateful for my integrity and the courage of my own convictions. I am grateful for somehow having the tenacity to show up in the ring day after day. I am grateful to be able to mentor girls, and support women, and be the kind of change I want to see. I am grateful to know so many big-hearted, courageous, and kick-ass humans.
I suppose contentment is perhaps - like love - found when and where we least expect it. What I’ve noticed about it so far is three things:
You cannot stare at contentment. You cannot will it into being. But if you allow your eyes to soften, to focus on nature, on something far away and beautiful, you may well see it.
It fills your cup. When we allow contentment to be felt, when we let it in, it has the benefit of re-generating our energy stores.
Like rainbows, mist, and sunsets – it may be fleeting, but you will see it again soon enough.
So, this is my invitation to you. If contentment is a dirty word or even something that exists only for other people, consider an experiment. Find yourself a nice view and some peace, quiet, and stillness, and see what happens. There might be something miraculous that shows itself to you even if fleeting.
And we all need miraculous. In these coming days and weeks when the realities of the continued fight for equality, opportunity, autonomy, and voice start to wear us down, consider that the antidote to disconnection, dissatisfaction, and disempowerment is anything that refills our cup and strengthens our relationship and acceptance of our self. It’s time to get radical and love yourself for who and where you are, right now.
PS – This is me.
PS - This is me (sans makeup, with chlorine in my hair, and gratitude in my heart)
